you’re crap!
there’s an internet thing doing the rounds at the moment (it’s probably sunk into obscurity by today) that seeks to explain british politeness and i was challenged (yes, challenged!) by some naughty fan to write a “column d”. column d is what real life people say not what stereotypical articles on british politeness say.
here’s the original:
| WHAT THE BRITISH SAY | WHAT THE BRITISH MEAN | WHAT FOREIGNERS UNDERSTAND |
|---|---|---|
| I hear what you say | I disagree and do not want to discuss it further | He accepts my point of view |
| With the greatest respect | You are an idiot | He is listening to me |
| That’s not bad | That’s good | That’s poor |
| That is a very brave proposal | You are insane | He thinks I have courage |
| Quite good | A bit disappointing | Quite good |
| I would suggest | Do it or be prepared to justify yourself | Think about the idea, but do what you like |
| Oh, incidentally/ by the way | The primary purpose of our discussion is | That is not very important |
| I was a bit disappointed that | I am annoyed that | It doesn’t really matter |
| Very interesting | That is clearly nonsense | They are impressed |
| I’ll bear it in mind | I’ve forgotten it already | They will probably do it |
| I’m sure it’s my fault | It’s your fault | Why do they think it was their fault? |
| You must come for dinner | It’s not an invitation, I’m just being polite | I will get an invitation soon |
| I almost agree | I don’t agree at all | He’s not far from agreement |
| I only have a few minor comments | Please rewrite completely | He has found a few typos |
| Could we consider some other options | I don’t like your idea | They have not yet decided |
and here’s my version:
1: what real people say:
“f*#k off and leave me alone”
what real people mean:
“if you don’t move right now, i’ll stab you in the eye with this spoon”
what foreigners understand
“those crazy brits are drunk again”
2: what real people say:
“this is shit. do it again”
what real people mean:
“you’re a hopeless moron and i’m in charge”
what foreigners understand
“those crazy brits are drunk again”
3: what real people say:
“pack up your crap and don’t come back”
what real people mean:
“i’ve waited a whole 3 months to say that. i’m too soft on you wasters”
what foreigners understand
“those crazy brits are drunk again”
5: what real people say:
“i need it by last week”
what real people mean:
“i’m giving you an impossible deadline so that when you fail, i can fire you”
what foreigners understand
“those crazy brits are drunk again”
6: what real people say:
“you’re two and a half seconds late. don’t bother turning up next time”
what real people mean:
“if i have to be here 22 and a quarter hours a week and have no life, you damn well will too”
what foreigners understand
“those crazy brits are drunk again”
7: what real people say:
“my 3 year old could have done this better than this”
what real people mean:
“i should know… he usually does all my work”
what foreigners understand
“those crazy brits are drunk again”
8: what real people say:
“where’s that bloody file/report/document i told you to do yesterday. you never sent it”
what real people mean:
“i lost that file/report/document i told you to do yesterday and i don’t know how to switch on my computer”
what foreigners understand
“those crazy brits are drunk again”
9: what real people say:
“no, you can’t have any holiday. you’ve got too much work to catch up on”
what real people mean:
“i really fucked up but i’m going to blame you… and i’ll get away with it because i’m the boss of you”
what foreigners understand
“those crazy brits are drunk again”
10: what real people say:
“if you leave, you’ll never get another job in this town”
what real people mean:
“please don’t leave. if you do, they’ll find out i’m shit and i’ll lose my job and never find another one. i’ll hunt you down! well, i would if i had any real power. please don’t leave. i’ll be nice to you forever. we could be best friends if i had a life. sorry! please stay….. ”
what foreigners understand
“those crazy brits are drunk again”
got any more? …add them to the comments, dear reader.
right! enough nonsense for today…
i’m off to enjoy my time off work
😀
PS: there’s no #4… you’re fired!
noise for the hard of hearing
the next gig is coming up fast so pop a note to yourself on whatever social networking/notepad/sticky note/fridge magnet that you happen to use and don’t forget:
friday 19th april at zero. doors open 9pm. it’s FREE to get in so no excuses…
be there…you know you want to.
sparkly new socks
so, it’s official (again).
i am crap.
i have neglected this blog again and have beaten myself soundly about the head and armpits in penance and i hope that will suffice until the next round of slovenly laziness descends.
our sordid super webmaster has put together this fabulous new template in the hopes of sparking some renewed interest in the band that is incurably neglectful of itself.
i will not promise (because divas never do) to write more often so you’ll just have to bookmark us and come back often.
thank you mr bass player. you might be strange but we love you anyway.
i hate public transport
i think i pretty much deserve to get a bloody medal for having survived a year and a half as a regular commuter. and since i discovered that the monthly travel card for the bus and trolley was only 20 euros as opposed to 45 euros (!!!!!!) for everything, i should also get a commendation for having battled through the sweatiest, dodgy bits of town, every weekday, on the worst forms of public transport. i could have called this post “i hate people” but that would be unfair to the vast majority, who are very nice, normal people, that i encounter on my journeys. but. there are ten “types” who make travelling quite unbearable (actually, not just travelling. they make life unbearable):
people who feel the need to share their intimate mobile phone calls about their mother-in-laws embarrassing gas problems with their fellow passengers
people who cannot seem to work out that those people who are on the bus, need to get off before they can get on
people who ask you where the bus is going and then, after you’ve told them, proceed to ask every other person on the bus, as if everyone is either stupid, lying or has got nothing better to do than pass twenty-five minutes taking about bus routes.
people who sit next to you and read your book
people who see you reading a book in english and give you filthy looks
people who sit on you, stand on your foot or smack you in the eye and don’t even realise they’ve done it
people who complain loudly about foreigners destroying the country
people who mutter in agreement with the assholes above
drivers who seem to think they are doing you a favour by even stopping at the bus stop, let alone waiting for you to get on or off
driver who talk on their mobiles (loudly), drink coffee and feel it necessary to share their horrible pop skiladiko with everyone. these are often the same ones as the ones above
now i’ve got to ten, i could probably go on but i’ll throw open the floor to you, dear reader… any quibbles, quarrels or quims (sorry, private joke with vishy) you’d like to share.
go on.
share it in the comments.
you’ll feel better.
you know you want to…