there’s an internet thing doing the rounds at the moment (it’s probably sunk into obscurity by today) that seeks to explain british politeness and i was challenged (yes, challenged!) by some naughty fan to write a “column d”. column d is what real life people say not what stereotypical articles on british politeness say.

here’s the original:

WHAT THE BRITISH SAY  WHAT THE BRITISH MEAN  WHAT FOREIGNERS UNDERSTAND
I hear what you say I disagree and do not want to discuss it further He accepts my point of view
With the greatest respect You are an idiot He is listening to me
That’s not bad That’s good That’s poor
That is a very brave proposal You are insane He thinks I have courage
Quite good A bit disappointing Quite good
I would suggest Do it or be prepared to justify yourself Think about the idea, but do what you like
Oh, incidentally/ by the way The primary purpose of our discussion is That is not very important
I was a bit disappointed that I am annoyed that It doesn’t really matter
Very interesting That is clearly nonsense They are impressed
I’ll bear it in mind I’ve forgotten it already They will probably do it
I’m sure it’s my fault It’s your fault Why do they think it was their fault?
You must come for dinner It’s not an invitation, I’m just being polite I will get an invitation soon
I almost agree I don’t agree at all He’s not far from agreement
I only have a few minor comments Please rewrite completely He has found a few typos
Could we consider some other options I don’t like your idea They have not yet decided

 

and here’s my version:

 

1: what real people say:

“f*#k off and leave me alone”

what real people mean:

“if you don’t move right now, i’ll stab you in the eye with this spoon”

what foreigners understand

“those crazy brits are drunk again”

 

2: what real people say:

“this is shit. do it again”

what real people mean:

“you’re a hopeless moron and i’m in charge”

what foreigners understand

“those crazy brits are drunk again”

 

3: what real people say:

“pack up your crap and don’t come back”

what real people mean:

“i’ve waited a whole 3 months to say that. i’m too soft on you wasters”

what foreigners understand

“those crazy brits are drunk again”

 

5: what real people say:

“i need it by last week”

what real people mean:

“i’m giving you an impossible deadline so that when you fail, i can fire you”

what foreigners understand

“those crazy brits are drunk again”

 

6: what real people say:

“you’re two and a half seconds late. don’t bother turning up next time”

what real people mean:

“if i have to be here 22 and a quarter hours a week and have no life, you damn well will too”

what foreigners understand

“those crazy brits are drunk again”

 

7: what real people say:

“my 3 year old could have done this better than this”

what real people mean:

“i should know… he usually does all my work”

what foreigners understand

“those crazy brits are drunk again”

 

8: what real people say:

“where’s that bloody file/report/document i told you to do yesterday. you never sent it”

what real people mean:

“i lost that file/report/document i told you to do yesterday and i don’t know how to switch on my computer”

what foreigners understand

“those crazy brits are drunk again”

 

9: what real people say:

“no, you can’t have any holiday. you’ve got too much work to catch up on”

what real people mean:

“i really fucked up but i’m going to blame you… and i’ll get away with it because i’m the boss of you”

what foreigners understand

“those crazy brits are drunk again”

 

10: what real people say:

“if you leave, you’ll never get another job in this town”

what real people mean:

“please don’t leave. if you do, they’ll find out i’m shit and i’ll lose my job and never find another one. i’ll hunt you down! well, i would if i had any real power. please don’t leave. i’ll be nice to you forever. we could be best friends if i had a life. sorry! please stay….. ”

what foreigners understand

“those crazy brits are drunk again”

 

got any more? …add them to the comments, dear reader.

right! enough nonsense for today…

i’m off to enjoy my time off work

😀

 

PS: there’s no #4… you’re fired!

2 thoughts on “you’re crap!”

  1. Hahahaha! You have clearly not had enough time off work yet. I prescribe another five years or so … In a nice, padded room … :/

    Real people also say: Ah, it will be nice to have a bit of a break from work.

    What they mean is: I have gone completely off my fecking rocker, thanks to that bunch of maniacs, and I need sectioning. RIGHT. NOW. Wibble.

    What foreigners understand: Those crazy Brits are drunk AGAIN. Jeez.

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