sad searches


last post for today i promise (i might be lying though). i’m always fascinated by the way people randomly arrive at our blog. in third place for the most popular search terms is “haig” (with 189 hits). undoubtedly, whiskey has helped put bad mathematics where we are now i.e absolutely nowhere, which just goes to prove that drinking is bad for you.

in second place “spam” (with 827 hits) which just goes to prove that people still eat a lot of crap. in fact, here’s a few of the different spam searches that brought people here.

spam pics (you need a picture?)

spam less sodium (hmmm, perhaps you should think about giving up spam?)

spam hot and spicy (is this someone looking for a spam porn site? probably very disappointed then)

but the most popular? surprisingly, it’s “cargo pants” (with 936 hits to date) and a couple of “kargo pantolonlar” and “kargo pantolon” thrown in to prove that we are charmingly multicultural here. just goes to show that we are at the cutting edge of the fashion industry too.

honourable mentions go to the following searches:

nerves” (as in “get on mine”?)

beware of the dog” (must get one to growl at silly searchers)

pink paparazzi” (great name for a cocktail)

photoshop see through clothes” (way too much time on their hands)

girl with no makeup on” (obviously a stalker) and “old people with no makeup on” (lots of stalkers)
however, the big prizes must go to the bizarre searches for “academically challenged people” and “small brain” and a big fat fail to google for directing them here.”brain the size of a planet” (that’s more like it). “famous people who were not good at math” (yes!). “dodgy testicles” (that one made me wet myself a bit) and “famous people doing stupid things picture” (come to our next gig!)


[all these searches are real. and i had a lot of fun looking through them all]


spam spam spam spam spam

just deleted 153 spam messages… we’ve never been so popular!

although, who knew there was “spam lite”, “spam hot and spicy”, “spam garlic”, “spam hawaii”, “spam bbq”, “spam with less sodium”, “spam hickory smoke” and “spam with freakin’ cheese”…

i was born in the wrong decade… thank goodness

(and who the hell says ” it’s porkfantastic” and lives to tell the tale? obviously only the masterminds behind spam…)

*crawls back under duvet and awaits the end of the world*

a trillion dollar problem

so i was doing a search for “bad mathematics” (as you do) and the third result down was “bad mathematics: a trillion dollar problem” well, blow me over with a feather. we don’t have a bean to share between us but we are probably responsible for much of the present financial crisis. tell you what… give us the trillion and we’ll go away! problem solved.

the article is actually comparing the mathematics portrayed in films and “real mathematics”. it’s a long article and i fell asleep a quarter of the way through, so if you’re interested you’ll have to go over there and read it. it has 23 facebook likes, which is more than the sum total of likes our blog has ever had. i will be writing a long email to the egghead author, mr mcgowen, to see if we can come to some arrangement. the poor man. he seemed to be quite worked up.

songs for gay dogs

yesterday, i was cruising around facebook, feeling very grumpy that everyone seems to be on holiday and decided to write a post today about how social media is ruining my life. however, this morning vishy showed me a link to “the most ridiculous album covers of all time” at the huffington post and it restored my faith in the internet’s ability to enrich our existence. the record cover above had me giggling like a five year old. so i thought i’d get creative and come up with the first 5 album titles for bad mathematics:

1: tits and souvlaki

this came out of a very productive and silly meeting with major tom at our house. on his way in he picked up one of those sad leaflets that get thrown at your door on a regular basis. it was for a local kebab place and featured a very well-endowed girl who seemed to be riding a giant souvlaki. a fantastic failure of everything that is design but inspiration for the muddled mind of a diva.

2: cassi and her communist sisters

this is a long-standing joke between the members of the band. people always pick out the frontperson and assume that everyone else is hanging about in the background for effect and don’t actually do anything creative. nothing could be further from the truth in the case of bad mathematics but it does make a great title.

3: f#@&! s*&@$!?*!go** ?ki***

over the years, in our endless battle with language, we have developed a kind of nonsense gringlish half-witted vocabulary which we all sort of understand, although andreas is the master. he has the ability to reel off a diatribe at break-neck speed and then turn round and ask us what the hell he just said. fantastic.

4: pornography

one of the most popular bad mathematic’s songs, thanks in part (i suspect) to the title. we have never been known to shy away from controversy even going as far as making most of it up. so what the hell, let’s go straight for the censors with this one.

5: bad mathematics greatest hits or the best of bad mathematics

i think we should release this one first so that we can win the “tackiest band you’ve never heard of” award. how brilliant would that be ?

vote for your favorite title or come up with some of your own in the comments. surely you have nothing better to do on this fine tuesday…

totty talk

there has been a lot of talk in the bad mathematics posse about totty. what is totty, you might ask yourself if you live on the other side of the pond ? here is the urban dictionary definition

(british informal) people, especially women, collectively considered as sexual objects

let’s set the record straight once and for all. totty might be talked about (loudly) on a regular basis by the male species but us girls talk about totty just as much. we just don’t talk about it with you.

there seems to be a misconception that girls talk about boys in terms of future husband material. will they be a good provider ? will they be dependable ? will they be faithful ? of course, this is utter bollocks. we talk about men in the same way as men talk about women. have they got a nice botty ? will they be good in bed ? in general, (and this is a generalisation. as are all my ramblings) we are not attracted by bank accounts any more than men are attracted by our cooking abilities.

no. we want totty. and we want to be able to talk about totty without feeling like a man-eating bitch from hell. i’m not advocating panting and drooling in the street. that’s just nasty. just an appreciation and acceptance that human beings find certain other human beings totally tottylicious.

back when our parents were young (for those of us born earlier than the bloody eighties), women were supposed to wait around for a suitor to choose them, date for a respectable amount of time, get hitched and then spend their married life lying back and thinking of england. surely times have changed? perhaps not as much as we’d like to think. nice girls are still not supposed to chase the boys like rampant little bunnies. we’re not supposed to get all hot and bothered when we see a bit of man totty. but we do. but we only talk about it with our girlfriends.

what i suggest is that instead of getting angry and upset at the menfolk talking about us as being hot, lets be more open about what we find hot. let’s get that dirty laundry out and shake it about in public.

men like to be considered to be totty. most of my male friends would give their left testicle to be thought of as totty. why don’t we tell them they’re delicious and how about a romp in the sack ? we’ve been told that they won’t respect us if we do. this is a lie. men who don’t respect women don’t respect them anyway. whether they sleep with them or not. real men love women and love women who know what they want and go out and get it even more.

so let’s talk about totty. what turns us on? what turns us off ? which bits drive us mad with lust ? who’s your fave totty at the moment ? i’ll start…

i like nothing better than a nice tight backside. men who are well-toned but not built-up. large but elegant hands. i don’t really have a “type”. i’m the girl who had a major crush on jack dee and also fancies johnny depp and al pacino. i once saw john malkovich on stage and not only nearly fell over the balcony, i’m pretty sure i did dribble on the patrons below. fave totty at the moment… warwick brown (gary dourdan from csi). phew! damn… those eyes!

it’s about 35degrees over here, going on 45 now. time for a cool shower.

let’s have some totty talk in the comments……

messing about so you don’t have to

i would like to set the record straight on one thing. i haven’t actually forgotten that this is a band blog. i am just choosing to ignore the fact and use this space for my own scribblings. because, let’s face it, most music blogs are boring and band blogs are positively coma-inducing. i am not personally interested in reading about the latest exploits of bon jovi or whether britney spears will ever tour again (i’ve really got the claws out for britney, don’t you think? check out psychoblues @7 minutes 30 seconds into the song on the bm player)

anyway, continuing my pointless nonsense here and also having nothing to do with music or the band, i was searching top ten lists of all sorts of odd things (like you do) and came across one called top 10 codes you aren’t meant to know. they are mostly things like police codes and hospital emergency stuff but one caught my eye and made me giggle.

In computer support, a variety of codes can be used when referring to a customer. One of these codes has become fairly well known on the internet: PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair) but there are a variety of others that are lesser known. One of these is used when reporting a fault which has been fixed: “The fault was a PICNIC” (problem in chair – not in computer), or “ID 10 T Error” – ID 10 T is, of course, IDIOT. Let us hope that you never see this noted down on your file when a serviceman is fixing your computer.

and when your computer technician writes “my new bff” on your report, it does not mean you are going to be buddies for life. it stands for “big fat fail”.

you have been warned…

facebook our lives

social networks are connecting people like never before. we can keep up-to-date with the intimate details of our friends lives without ever seeing them (or often, without having ever met them). more and more we are facebooking and tweeting our lives. i think at some point, most of us have asked ourselves “what the hell am i doing?”, having rushed home after a fabulous night out and stayed up to post pictures to our wall, update our status or at least twittered about our drunken adventure. i have the excuse that i’m a diva and i’m in a band, so people are really interested in my exploits. but what about lesser mortals? do i really need to know about your budgie with the runs or what kind of knickers you are wearing?

of course, the answer is… yes!

why the hell not? we’ve had to put up with decades of hearing crap about celebrities. who gives a rats backside whether britney spears forgot to get fully dressed…again? or whether paris hilton likes figs or bananas? I’m much more interested in my friend’s love life or looking at pictures from events that, for some reason or another (usually distance), i couldn’t be part of but can feel included via facebook. i can exchange silly comments, jokes or thoughts that i would never pick up the phone to share. i can send links to things i found interesting and they can ignore them without any feelings of guilt on either side. i can chat when i feel like it without having to get dressed or tidy up my house or have anything of substance to say. just because i want to say “hi”

i like that.

i’m not sure if it’s of any value to the world. or to us as individuals. i don’t think it necessarily makes us closer or makes us better friends. i’m sure lots of people would argue that it’s time-wasting and there are hundreds of other things we could/should be doing. but that’s always been the case. what did we do before we had facebook and twitter when we couldn’t be assed to do something more “productive”? watched telly. twiddled our thumbs. stared out of the window. slept. all pretty useless (well, sleeping is good if you have to).

for many of us, social networks have made us more communicative and, dare i say it, made us feel that are lives are interesting enough to share. that we are all celebrities in our own lunchtimes. and i believe we are as interesting as any of the famous folk. just as complex, intriguing and unique.

social media/citizen journalism is a different kettle of fish. i’ll do a post on that tomorrow (probably). for now, i’m enjoying sharing my nonsense with you, my two faithful readers (yes, it’s two now!) and i hope you are too. i’ll stop when i start saying “lol” in real life. until then…

creative juices

after the flurry of activity that went down a week or so ago, there has been a distinct lack of new words to appear on this blog. it’s my fault. i went into hibernation while my partner in crime buggered off to majorca for 10 days. it’s a funny thing, we’re so used to bouncing ideas off each other that when one of us is away, the other seems to become a creative wasteland. anyway, we’re back on track and will be investigating t-shirts and merchandise ideas this week. we had a very productive discussion with one of our dedicated fans (who’s a bit of a fashionista) and she’s given us other ideas of grandeur. more on that when we get our shit together…

we have another gig coming up fast and furious. we’ve been invited to play the babel festival on the 30th may. no further details at the moment because they are very disorganised (nothing new about that!). as soon as we know more, it’ll be posted here.

that’s all from me today. i’ll be back when i have more details or just to write a bit of nonsense for your reading pleasure (or not as the case may be)

an emotional rollercoaster

it’s been the most overwhelming, emotional and brilliant rollercoaster few days, with family members turning up from australia and germany and  old friends from england coming to stay. the natural high is so high and the low is inexplicable and surprising. i know it’s a lot to do with adrenaline, late nights and way too much booze but i’m so happy to be able to experience this. i think most people live their whole lives without having the good fortune or opportunity to feel what i’m feeling now.

thank you, my friends

and without meaning to be mushy, i feel blessed to have you around…..


how to promote your band blog

as for the title, i have no idea.

we are an unsigned, unappreciated, unpaid, unrepentant band.

that’s a good thing.

we have the unique position of being a famous (in our own lunchtime) unknown band.

it means we can do whatever we like, whenever we like, wherever we like.

it means we can accept or turn down gigs.

it means we can choose what we play and how we play it.

it means we have the freedom.

that’s a good thing.

on the downside…

we are poor

wouldn’t it be nice to remain free but have a bit of cash in our pockets ?

ideas, as i always say, are very welcome.

and no.

we are not for sale.