i know, i know, i’m far too young to be a parent but the truth is that certain indiscretions in my past resulted in an offspring who is now taller than i am. when this lunking teenager was born, i swore that i would be a cool mum. how could i not be? i’m in a rock and roll band for crying out loud. but the sad truth is that it’s easier said than done. much of the advice that my mother gave me was absolutely sound although at the time i thought she was a raving loon. and she only embarrassed me most of the time, not all. usually by simply being within 100 yards of me when i was with my cool friends.
so now it’s my turn to be the extremely unhip, embarrassing, stupid and irritating mum. i seem to manage to achieve this status on an alarmingly regular basis. yes, i am the sad old fogie that has to ask what that thing on my child’s neck is when it’s obviously a love bite. i’m the git that still asks whether teeth have been brushed when they obviously haven’t. i’m a fully paid up member of the “call the kid to find out when he’s coming home so that his friends can take the piss out of him” brigade.
i am pretty up to date with 21st century communication but have no idea what ///(0^^st. ////\\\\\\\\ means. (i made that one up but that’s what his friends facebook status updates look like). it’s my turn to cringe at the kid’s lack of vocabulary and swearing for every other word when he’s with his mates even though i have been known to curse like a bloody trooper. i also find myself rolling my eyes at his total incompetence in the kitchen. at his preening which doesn’t seem to include actually putting dirty clothes in the dirty clothes bin. at his attention to detail when it comes to how he looks and not to the enormous filthy elephant camped out in his bedroom.
yes. i am my mother. i have finally given up trying to be different. trying to win the “coolest mum on the planet” award. here is my list of stupid things that have come out of my mouth that i swore i would never say:
- i told you so
- is that a girl or a boy?
- if so and so told you to jump off a bridge, would you?
- what you need is a good hiding
- you’ve got the memory of a sieve
- because i said so
- just wait till your dad gets home
- we did have computers when i was your age
- what is he saying?
- you don’t know how lucky you are
- oh, you’ve always been like that
- are you really going out like that?
- how many times do i have to tell you?
- do you think money grows on trees?
- when you’ve left home and you’re earning your own money….
- when you start acting like a grown-up
and so on and so on. i’m not proud. i apologise to all kids for the stupid things that we say to you. but don’t blame us, blame your grandparents. you’ll find out this when you have your own children. or is that another cliché?
now go to bed!