after one fruitless meeting with my lawyers (they’re were indeed suffering from hangovers after their bender the other night), they have informed me by telephone that it would be best if i wrote a full apology to the management™ for my (and i quote)
spurious and indefensible document
posted on this blog on the 6th june 2010 entitled “pornography“. i am, of course, extremely disappointed in the unimaginative path my lawyers have chosen to stumble down but what can i do ? as the short, hairy one said to me “the management™ ‘as big balls that you don’t wanna mess wiv”. he’s not very bright, poor boy. so here is my reluctant response to the legal tangle i find myself trapped in:
to the management™
i am somewhat alarmed at your reaction to my innocent (and rather amusing) blog post of the 6th june 2010. i am sorry that you did not take it in the spirit it was intended. i admit that i was surprised by your decision to use another girl for the poster. i have grown accustomed to being the only female involved in the band and was rather upset that you allowed her to wear my shoes. i have since been convinced that ms. slut has no plans to replace me as the singer of bad mathematics and have been assured that she is, in fact, tone deaf.
i will convey my apologies, in person, for any offence i may have caused mr. v. moghan. it has been explained to me, at great length, that sex does indeed sell and that i should be grateful that at least the management™ are making an effort to get people to the next gig (saturday june 19th at after dark). i fully appreciate the talents and skill of the creative department and will, in the future, leave decisions pertaining to artwork to the experts. however, i do reserve the right to comment in private and away from the glare of the spotlight we find ourselves under.
i very much hope that we can settle our differences in a mature and satisfactory way, without the need for lawsuits.
would you adam and eve it ? the management ™ has served me with some legal nonsense that i am supposed to respond to within the week ! you may read the full notice here at you have been served. i will be marching down to my lawyers office again today to see what can be done about this whole mess. i’m not sure i’ll get any joy out of either of them because i am reliably informed that they were out on the razz last night.
the most irritating thing about this whole issue is that we have a gig coming up very quickly (saturday june 19th at after dark) and i have a thousand and one things to do in preparation. manicures, haircuts, facials, full body waxing, botox and crash diets, don’t just magically happen. one has to work at it and as you know, i am between personal assistants at the present time. my personal trainer has gone awol again too. i think he got the hump when i threw my dumbbells at him. big baby.
not to mention, i have to go to bloody rehearsals now. you would think that after eight years of playing live, we wouldn’t need to practice so much! oh well, such is the life of a busy diva. i’ll just have to grin and bear it as usual.
and where’s that chauffeur when you need him? probably run off with the personal trainer. i always suspected they had a soft spot for each other.
TO: Ms T. Diva
Below is the full, formal and public notice to the party of the first part (the accused), one Ms The Diva to cease and desist in her libellous, slanderous harassment and defamation of the party of the second part (the plaintiff), namely Mr Vishy Moghan.
(Case No. 85762-4. Under the penal code of the European Court of Law. Action: Mr. V. Moghan (B.A. Hons) vs. Ms The Diva. Date of initial notice: 06.06.2010)
(as proscribed by articles of law pertaining to libel and slander within the EU; articles 576 through 800 section 4 of European Laws of Libel and slander, protection of individuals, from, as outlined by the EU council for the protection of individuals from personal attack. Resolution 25 ratified 05.08.1995).
It has been brought to the notice of The Management™ (herewith ref. TM™) that the party known as Ms T. Diva (herewith ref. TD) has published and circulated a spurious and indefensible document on certain public fora (i.e. The weblog at the electronic address http://badmathematics.wordpress.com) accusing our client Mr. V. Moghan esq. (herewith ref. VM) of producing and publishing certain photographic material of inflammatory and improper content to the various electronic addresses of the musical band known as Bad Mathematics (herewith ref. BM), therefore inciting unbecoming and lewd reactions and responses from certain (specifically male) members of the public.
Also, it is our contention, that she, TD has by direct and indirect means brought into question the very character of our client (VM) by casting his whole person in a harsh and misleading light with her words.
It is further the contention of said circular that she, TD herself was not in any way party to the instigation and creation of these, allegedly, lewd and offensive materials. Contained there in (the said document) is also an entirely vicious and unnecessary attack upon the person of the lady who took part, as sitter for the photographic illustration of alleged lewd material, bringing into question the very character and moral fibre of the photographic subject in question.
In rebuttal, TM™ would like to point out that the lady who kindly sat for this artistic portrait photograph is of the highest moral standard, of good family and God-fearing disposition and social standing.
It is entirely shocking and unacceptable to TM™ and to our client VM that such harsh and wholly unwelcome diatribe has been directed toward his person and the person of the lady (name withheld on request) in question (clarification: the subject of the photograph in question or portraitee) herewith ref. SLUT.
Further, VM demands immediate and unconditional retraction of all the above accusations by TD and a formal public apology from same.
Also we TM™ in our capacity as the overview committee responsible for the welfare and protection of the members of the musical band BM, hereby notify the complainant TD of our (TM™’s) conditions regarding said apology and retraction. Namely that as of today (Sunday 06.06.2010) said TD has a window of one (1) week to publish her responses in a public forum (e.g. this weblog) vis-a-vis said accusations.
In the case that TD does not fully comply with our demands in regard to this unfortunate affair, further punitive action shall be instigated against her and her estate before a justice of the high court in the county of her residence.
It is the legal and acknowledged right of this body, TM™, and their client(s) Mr. VM and Ms SLUT, to demand full and complete compensation from said Ms TD, and demand that she regard this document as full, binding and legal notification hereby served upon her person and estate(s).
No further notification is deemed necessary and all parties are bound by law to accept said document as our final and absolute notification.
n.b. It is also worth noting that the actions of the party herein referred to as TD are tantamount to a deliberate, premeditated and unforgivable personal tirade and assault upon our client VM and that furthermore they certainly constitute an attempt by TD to curb and prohibit the intellectual and established rights of our client, VM to freedom of artistic expression. Which in and of it itself is sufficient cause and ground for initiating legal proceedings against her (TD).
The Management™ etc. (representation: the firm of B M T & M, of Athens, Greece)