i wrote this a while back and i’m posting it here for those who are new to bad mathematics
the joys of playing live
i have had the pleasure of performing in front of 17 people, halfway up a mountain with barely any clothes on, in minus 10 degrees with a full on wind, trying to summon up the last drop of energy i might have had if the “decorators hadn’t arrived” during the sound-check! joy indeed. now although this might be too much information for some, i just want to dispel some myths about being in a band.
first…
fans do not follow you around in their thousands screaming and trying to shag you. your five die-hard fans and your friends come to every gig and you love them for that (thanks guys, i mean it). everyone else you will have to personally drag there if the gig is more than 10 metres from their house, if it is too hot, cold, rainy, threatening to rain or rained the day before, if it is on a weekday, weekend or holiday, if there is a taxi, bus or trolley strike, if it starts before 7pm or after 9pm, if they have to pay to get in, if they have a child, a pet or mother in law, if they are under 30 or over 35, if they work, they don’t work, they don’t know you, they know you and hate you or if they are breathing. it’s a tough thing getting an audience to come and especially hard if it’s up a mountain, it’s minus 10 degrees with a full on wind, all the other bands are playing death metal, the jugglers, fire-eaters, and the bar packed up hours ago and left, and nobody has ever heard of you.
second…
you will not get 12 dozen white lilies, 15 cases of cristal or a personal trainer in your dressing room before a gig and you will not get impossibly gorgeous girls and boys in your dressing room before, during or after the gig. don’t get me wrong, all our friends and our five die hard fans are impossibly gorgeous but we don’t get to shag them. they might not like us very much afterwards and then no-one would come to our gigs.
third…
buses, supermarkets, washing machines and hoovering do not become distant memories once you are in a band. dust balls seem to like me just as much now as before and cockroaches have no respect for musicians. cashiers still throw my change at me in the supermarket and the psycho bus drivers still have the pleasure of my company on a regular basis.
fourth…
apart from our friends ( and probably not all of them) no-one is interested in our opinions about world hunger, aids, war or the price of tea. not only that, but no-one goes through our rubbish, camps on our doorstep, takes pictures of us topless on mykonos. actually, none of us even go to mykonos. we don’t get invited to award shows, free slap-up dinners, supermarket openings or the unveilings of hideous life size models of ourselves.
to sum up…
apart from not being able to get an audience which is just a shame because it’s really fun to play in front of a good crowd…
thank god for that.